What follows is the transcript of the press conference
announcing the planned Adams/Mancini Matrimonial Strategic Alliance:
Thank you all for coming. On Saturday, April 10, 2004, Greg Adams
asked Michelle Mancini if she would let him make an honest woman of her.
She agreed, and they are going to get married. I will now take your
questions.
Q: So, we need details!
A: Greg took Michelle to a pretty little park in Paris,
and asked her to marry him.
Q: No, girl-level details.
A: The offer was made in the Square du Vert-Galant, 1e
arrondissement, Paris, France, at approximately 12:30 Zulu time. Mostly
Cloudy, with wind from the NW at 4.6 mph / 7.4 km/h. Temperature 11.0
oC (51.8oF), Dew Point 2.0oC (35.6o
F), 54% humidity and barometric pressure of 30.01 in.
The Square du Vert-Galant sits at the end of the Île de la Cité,
a strategic location for getting women to accept marriage proposals.
Mr. Adams managed to maneuver Ms. Mancini to this location through an ingenious
plot to “screw up” the train tickets, creating a two hour Window of Betrothal
Opportunity. One “offer of lunch” later, and both subjects had arrived
at the location.
Mr. Adams picked the spot at the apex of the park (see photo) and started
fumbling in his pocket for the ring. Ms. Mancini asked him why he was
adjusting himself rather than enjoying the view. Mr. Adams explained
that he managed to get the ring through customs in three different countries
without being deported or imprisoned, and wanted to give it to her before
he managed to lose it somehow. He then told her how happy she made
him, and asked her if she was willing to spend the rest of her life with
him. He then tried to slip the ring on to her finger, but couldn’t
decide which hand (or finger) it belonged on. Ms. Mancini took charge
and slipped the ring onto her left fourth finger, smiled quite widely, said
“oooh [:):):)],” and then threw her arms around Mr. Adams’ neck and kissed
him. Mr. Adams then sought clarification as to whether or not that
was a “yes.” Ms. Mancini replied “what are you, simple?” to which Mr.
Adams replied, “well, everybody’s going to ask what you said, and “oooh”
sounds kind of ambiguous over email.” Ms. Mancini then suggested the
addition of smiley faces to the transcript for clarification. Mr. Adams
agreed, and the two departed to catch their train.
Q: What did the ring look like?
A: The ring is depicted here, on Ms. Mancini’s hand:
Q: So when will the wedding be?
A: Via a complicated mathematical formula (phases of the
moon and such), March 12, 2005, has been
selected as the date.
Q: Where will the wedding be?
A: Right now, we are working on finding a place in
Baltimore, Maryland, Charm City USA.
Q: Baltimore? What’s up with that?
A: Well, we started by considering the three Hero Cities
of the Great Patriotic Marriage (Chicago, Boston, Washington) and, once we
had talked about what we could afford, Baltimore kind of jumped out at us.
Q: Do you really think your guests are going to go to
Baltimore?
It’s relatively cheap and convenient to get to, and we’re
hoping to get more wedding for our sacagaweas there. Think of it as
the Milwaukee of the Mid-Atlantic. Plus, they got crab cakes the size
of grapefruit.
Q: Do you want unsolicited advice from all of your married,
marrying and unmarried friends, as well as relatives?
A: Without question. Given that neither of us have
done anything like this before (thank you for please not bringing up the
painful Britney episode) we have no clue what the hell we are doing.
So if you don’t want to show up at a wedding at the bus station catered by
Dominick’s with musical guest Whitesnake, please give us some advice.
Q: Is this going to be a for-real church weddin'?
A: Assuming we can find a church that will let us inside,
yes.
Q: What happened to the common-law idea?
A: That was vetoed.
Q: Are my email tax dollars being spent on your engagement
announcement?
A: umm . . . hey, look over there!
Q: Whatever happened to that email tax, anyway?
A: Bill 602P just passed the Senate. Write your
Congressman.
Q: Is there anyway you can summarize this in Haiku form?
A: next spring in b'more
greg and shell will tie the knot
and get new towels
Q: That's OK, but I was thinking more existential.
A:
at last greg and shell
will make this thing official
before the p's die
Q: That's it, that's the one.